grow into the earth

if, at your hypothetical customer service job, someone called in and asked you to verify who was calling in their orders because they had a stalker, and you knew you weren't allowed to screen calls, what would you do?  tell them flat out no and be done with it?  would you feel bad about telling them no, or would you view that as "taking things personally"?




sometimes i really hate working in customer service.

i've been thinking a lot (big surprise, coming from someone with anxiety har har) about my relationship with Greg.  it's not anything bad...i've just been contemplating our relationship dynamic.

we have little squabbles, probably once a day at least.  over stupid stuff really...and i feel like most of them are caused by me being in a bad mood.  yes, Greg has his grumpy moments as well (last week was tension-filled thanks to our respective jobs) but i think sometimes i snipe just to snipe.  of course, afterwards i feel awful and this leads to me beating myself up and retreating (physically and verbally) away from Greg which i know makes him feel awful as well.

i don't really know where these feelings come from, that make me undermine him and pick at him.  but it's rude, and disrespectful and it needs to stop.  he can be so sweet and would do anything for me, and yet sometimes it seems like all i want to do is be obstinate. 

but i really don't, you know?  all i want to do is make him happy.  this is the type of person i am:  i have no problem cleaning up someone else's messes because i like doing nice things like that, but i can't seem to get my own (pardon the language) shit together, literally and figuratively. 

sometimes i think that maybe i get this way because i have all these stupid little worries in my head, but no way to talk about them.  Greg's fully admitted he has a bit a trouble being "open", not that he's lying or anything like that, but like most guys he's not the most forthcoming about his feelings or insecurities.  i, on the other hand, could talk and talk and talk about all the things i think about.  but i don't, because i don't feel like he knows what to do when i do unload all this stuff.  i don't want to feel like a burden, like i'm some overly emotional stupid little girl who needs her hand held every moment of the day.  i'm not that girl, but you know i have stuff to get off my chest too, and if i take the time to really listen to all his frustrations well then i feel like i deserve a bit of the same. 

anyways, i think my short-term goal for working thru this (by myself i suppose cause i'm sure he's tired of talking about everything like i do) is to just stop making so many smart remarks and what not and just do the things he asks.  not everything deserves a short comeback. 

hmm, more on this later.

lay down, my dear brothers
lay down and take your rest
oh won't you lay your head
upon your savior's breast
i love you, oh
but jesus loved you the best
and i bid you good night, good night, good night.

rip will.  sunshine & daydreams always.

so i've really been trying to work on my anxiety this past week, and i definitely feel liked it's helped.  everytime i've had an ANT (automatic negative thought) i've attempted to take a step back mentally and say 'hey, nobody else cares about this stuff but you, so it can't be as bad as you think it is."

one area i've really seen a lot of improvement in is, surprisingly, my hooping.  free (for the most part) from thinking i'm ugly or uncoordinated or awkward, i've gotten so much better at putting tricks together in a flowing, dancing form.  i also feel like i have more energy while i'm hooping which is great because it allows me to push myself for longer periods without feeling run down.  i think i'd like to start incorporating some yoga into my daily routine, since all this hooping is starting to make my lower back protest. 

i've also been working on making my physical body relax.  most days, my stomach is in a knot which keeps me feeling keyed up and anxious.  but oh god!  the feeling of not having a stone in my belly is so wonderful!  when my stomach's not tense, all the rest of my anxiety seems to disappear.  so far, i've been trying to do more abdominal breathing instead of chest breathing, but it's tough when my abdomen is tight. 

i've also been casually looking for a new job.  since i started working at the call center in july, my anxiety has increased ten-fold.  the customers i work with on a daily basis are incredibly rude, and dealing with them is wearing me out emotionally, mentally and physically.  on one hand, i would feel so guilty leaving this job when two people from our original group have already quit, but i don't feel like i should have to sacrifice my health or well-being for any job.  growing up, my mother always harped that even if i don't like i job i just need to suck it up because we all have to work jobs we don't want to.  but when i tell her about this job, she remarks that this job totally isn't me (which it isn't).  i'm not the kind of person who can just let things roll off my back and continue to keep a smile in my voice while customer after customer berates me.  man, it sucks working with such great people and absolutely hating the actual job.

mm, i'll post more about this later.  for now, back to the phones.

inspired by nebulosity , i have decided to try to work on my issues with anxiety. 

since my parents divorce when i was very young, i have been dealing with anxiety.  i get stuck in negative thought-loops multiple times during each day.  i have problems with:

• Focusing on the negative
  • "Going over and over again in your mind about the negative of yourself or a situation, cannot think of anything positive."
• Fortune Telling
  • "One predicts the outcome of an experience or situation as the worst possible and as impossible to overcome.  “If I must get up in front of class and read with my stutter all the kids will laugh at me and think I am stupid.”  When you predict that bad things will happen the mind often takes you there and makes it happen."
• Mind reading
  • "One is sure that they know what the other person is thinking and what they might do about what they are thinking.  “Everyone at the party thought my Halloween Costume was stupid and dumb.  They are never going to invite me again to the party.” 
• Thinking with feelings
  • "Believing your negative feelings without questioning them."
• Guilt beatings
  • "Guilt is a useful feeling if you use it like a foghorn, to keep yourself off the sandbar or rocky shoreline – it is a navigator emotion.  When guilt becomes the primary feeling it is not useful or helpful."
• Labeling
  • "When you label someone or yourself with a negative label it says one is unable to deal with this person or situation in a reasonable way.  One begins to expect the worst of themselves or the other person or situation.  The mind races in to make it come true. ‘Jerk,’ ‘idiot,’ or‘spoiled brat,’ are all just labels that make the person or situation into a more negative hole with no ladders out."

(descriptions taken from http://patriciaswisdom.com/2008/10/factoid-friday-ants-or-automatic-negative-thinking/)

this is what i endure everyday.  i know these things are irrational; that doesn't stop my brain from continuing these thought processes.  i'm not a fun person to hang out with because of these things.  i'm a debbie downer, a negative nancy...there i go using labels.  but this is what i'm thinking all the time.  i don't realize it till i've opened my big mouth, till i've lashed out at the boyfriend...then i absolutely hate myself and the cycle begins anew.

i feel like my best course of action to deal with my anxiety is CBT, or cognitive behavorial therapy (http://www.uh.edu/anxiety/cbt.htm).  this type of therapy has been shown to be one of the best courses of treatment for anxiety disorders.  there are 3 parts to CBT:

1. Education
   • working to understand why i am having these thought processes, how CBT will help me, and getting support
2. Thought Challenging
   1. The first step involves identifying these danger thoughts that flash into the mind. Psychologists call these “automatic thoughts” because they seem to come to mind immediately when a person encounters something he or she fears. One good strategy is to immediately ask oneself “what was I thinking?” as soon as you notice your anxiety increase.
   2. Once someone becomes good at identifying their automatic thoughts, we then focus on trying to teach them to challenge the logic of that thought through a variety of methods. Most commonly we have clients ask themselves various questions designed to challenge the accuracy of a thought.
   3. Finally, when the inaccurate thought has been broken apart and shown to be inaccurate, we replace it with a thought that is a more accurate reflection of the actual amount of danger, if any.
3. Exposure and Thought Prevention
   1. First, much of what we learn in life comes from things being paired together, such as public speaking and having people laugh at you or seeing a dog and getting bitten. Much of what we unlearn, on the other hand, comes from un-pairing two things. With anxiety disorders, this means un-pairing the fear trigger (e.g., public speaking) from the expected outcome (people laughing).
   2. The second way that exposure works is through habituation. The more often we are exposed to something, be it good, bad, or otherwise, the less of an emotional reaction we will have. We get used to things; that’s just human nature.
   3. Finally, exposure works by giving the people new correct information about the things they thought were threatening. This is the “A-hah... it wasn’t as dangerous as I expected” principle.

it's the third step i feel like i will have trouble with since my anxiety isn't really triggered by anything specific, just stressful situations in general.  because i work 8:30-5 mon thru fri and don't really have the extra money, i'll be working on this alone for the time being.  i might see if i can get in with the mental health counseling my school offers, but i don't know if they could accomodate my work schedule and it's really only offered as short-term counseling with referrals to mental health professionals outside of the school.

blah.  i just want to be happy.   

i don't understand why he puts up with my stupid self-esteem issues and anxiety...but i am so amazingly grateful that he does so without hesitation and with unconditional love.

august 24th, i will officially begin classes for my addiction counseling certificate.

i have become delightfully intrigued with the concepts of simple living, slow living, and downshifting.  the older i get the more i find myself regarding the mass consumerism surrounding me distasteful.  the roads where i live are crowded with tricked out, giant SUVs that tailgate, speed, and swerve from lane to lane without regard for other drivers on the road.  everyone, it seems, is in a rush wherever they're going.  

i find myself caught up in this incessant rush-rush-rush and all it brings me is stress.  at work my customer calls are monitored for time and i am graded on how closely i stick to a script.  i am stuck in not even a cubicle, more like a station, staring out a window while i wait for my headset to ring. 

i need something more, something for my soul to grasp onto.  my relationship is strong, but the stress from outside makes me grumpy and snippy and i end up taking it out on the person i love which isn't fair at all.  i have been trying very hard to change how i deal with outside stress, and to keep a positive and calm attitude when presented with problems.  the website Zen Habits has provided me with great advice and ways to keep "zen." 

i realize that i will never be completely "stress-free," no matter what i do.  it's in my nature to be a little anxious all the time.  the key is turning that anxiety into something productive.  i have neglected practicing making hoops, which i'm terrible at, but i know that the process of making a hoop actually does wonders for reducing my stress (especially when i'm listening to meditative music).  i like working with my hands, so a goal i've been thinking of is picking up one or two hobbies that involve just that.  maybe macrame, or i might try to get back into crocheting which i'm not terrible at but it's been ages since i've picked up a needle.  my problem now i think is just making myself do it; laziness is probably my biggest vice unfortunately. 

one step at a time.

i do not like the person i have become in the two weeks since i started this job.

something needs to change, like yesterday.

so i started this new job last friday working as a "customer care specialist" for a wine & spirits distributor.  basically, i work in a call center taking orders over the phone from liquor store and restaurant/bar owners for booze.  i've never worked in a call center, but i do have some good customer service experience (emergency room clerk, retail, banking) so i figured if i could handle those this would be no problem.

our customers are quite possibly the rudest people i have ever had to speak to.  i think that people are braver on the phone since i can't see their face, so they're more inclined to belittle, curse and yell at me.  this week hadn't been too terrible until today.  

i don't know if i would call myself "sensitive" (i hate what that word has come to mean in reference to women) but i do feel things deeply.  trying to keep a smile in my voice and keeping my patience while every other call (they come one after another with no break and i can't control the calls) is sir jerk rude-enstein yelling about how they shouldn't have to press 1 for english or how i'm not moving fast enough or i should know how to spell some obscure wine no one ever buys is incredibly emotionally exhausting.  every morning this week it's been harder to get out of bed, and my morning cup of tea just isn't cutting it anymore. 

i honestly don't know how long i can do this job.  that idea alone is stressing me out super crazy because i hate thinking that i'm not able to hack it in the only field i have ever been hired in.  but, i need the money to go back to school. 

also, it's super awesome that this is the only outlet i have for my feelings since no one in real life apparently wants to hear about how MY day went.