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anahatasoundi've been thinking a lot (big surprise, coming from someone with anxiety har har) about my relationship with Greg. it's not anything bad...i've just been contemplating our relationship dynamic.
we have little squabbles, probably once a day at least. over stupid stuff really...and i feel like most of them are caused by me being in a bad mood. yes, Greg has his grumpy moments as well (last week was tension-filled thanks to our respective jobs) but i think sometimes i snipe just to snipe. of course, afterwards i feel awful and this leads to me beating myself up and retreating (physically and verbally) away from Greg which i know makes him feel awful as well.
i don't really know where these feelings come from, that make me undermine him and pick at him. but it's rude, and disrespectful and it needs to stop. he can be so sweet and would do anything for me, and yet sometimes it seems like all i want to do is be obstinate.
but i really don't, you know? all i want to do is make him happy. this is the type of person i am: i have no problem cleaning up someone else's messes because i like doing nice things like that, but i can't seem to get my own (pardon the language) shit together, literally and figuratively.
sometimes i think that maybe i get this way because i have all these stupid little worries in my head, but no way to talk about them. Greg's fully admitted he has a bit a trouble being "open", not that he's lying or anything like that, but like most guys he's not the most forthcoming about his feelings or insecurities. i, on the other hand, could talk and talk and talk about all the things i think about. but i don't, because i don't feel like he knows what to do when i do unload all this stuff. i don't want to feel like a burden, like i'm some overly emotional stupid little girl who needs her hand held every moment of the day. i'm not that girl, but you know i have stuff to get off my chest too, and if i take the time to really listen to all his frustrations well then i feel like i deserve a bit of the same.
anyways, i think my short-term goal for working thru this (by myself i suppose cause i'm sure he's tired of talking about everything like i do) is to just stop making so many smart remarks and what not and just do the things he asks. not everything deserves a short comeback.
hmm, more on this later.
we have little squabbles, probably once a day at least. over stupid stuff really...and i feel like most of them are caused by me being in a bad mood. yes, Greg has his grumpy moments as well (last week was tension-filled thanks to our respective jobs) but i think sometimes i snipe just to snipe. of course, afterwards i feel awful and this leads to me beating myself up and retreating (physically and verbally) away from Greg which i know makes him feel awful as well.
i don't really know where these feelings come from, that make me undermine him and pick at him. but it's rude, and disrespectful and it needs to stop. he can be so sweet and would do anything for me, and yet sometimes it seems like all i want to do is be obstinate.
but i really don't, you know? all i want to do is make him happy. this is the type of person i am: i have no problem cleaning up someone else's messes because i like doing nice things like that, but i can't seem to get my own (pardon the language) shit together, literally and figuratively.
sometimes i think that maybe i get this way because i have all these stupid little worries in my head, but no way to talk about them. Greg's fully admitted he has a bit a trouble being "open", not that he's lying or anything like that, but like most guys he's not the most forthcoming about his feelings or insecurities. i, on the other hand, could talk and talk and talk about all the things i think about. but i don't, because i don't feel like he knows what to do when i do unload all this stuff. i don't want to feel like a burden, like i'm some overly emotional stupid little girl who needs her hand held every moment of the day. i'm not that girl, but you know i have stuff to get off my chest too, and if i take the time to really listen to all his frustrations well then i feel like i deserve a bit of the same.
anyways, i think my short-term goal for working thru this (by myself i suppose cause i'm sure he's tired of talking about everything like i do) is to just stop making so many smart remarks and what not and just do the things he asks. not everything deserves a short comeback.
hmm, more on this later.
