just call me piglet.

[anahatasound]

inspired by nebulosity , i have decided to try to work on my issues with anxiety. 

since my parents divorce when i was very young, i have been dealing with anxiety.  i get stuck in negative thought-loops multiple times during each day.  i have problems with:

• Focusing on the negative
  • "Going over and over again in your mind about the negative of yourself or a situation, cannot think of anything positive."
• Fortune Telling
  • "One predicts the outcome of an experience or situation as the worst possible and as impossible to overcome.  “If I must get up in front of class and read with my stutter all the kids will laugh at me and think I am stupid.”  When you predict that bad things will happen the mind often takes you there and makes it happen."
• Mind reading
  • "One is sure that they know what the other person is thinking and what they might do about what they are thinking.  “Everyone at the party thought my Halloween Costume was stupid and dumb.  They are never going to invite me again to the party.” 
• Thinking with feelings
  • "Believing your negative feelings without questioning them."
• Guilt beatings
  • "Guilt is a useful feeling if you use it like a foghorn, to keep yourself off the sandbar or rocky shoreline – it is a navigator emotion.  When guilt becomes the primary feeling it is not useful or helpful."
• Labeling
  • "When you label someone or yourself with a negative label it says one is unable to deal with this person or situation in a reasonable way.  One begins to expect the worst of themselves or the other person or situation.  The mind races in to make it come true. ‘Jerk,’ ‘idiot,’ or‘spoiled brat,’ are all just labels that make the person or situation into a more negative hole with no ladders out."

(descriptions taken from http://patriciaswisdom.com/2008/10/factoid-friday-ants-or-automatic-negative-thinking/)

this is what i endure everyday.  i know these things are irrational; that doesn't stop my brain from continuing these thought processes.  i'm not a fun person to hang out with because of these things.  i'm a debbie downer, a negative nancy...there i go using labels.  but this is what i'm thinking all the time.  i don't realize it till i've opened my big mouth, till i've lashed out at the boyfriend...then i absolutely hate myself and the cycle begins anew.

i feel like my best course of action to deal with my anxiety is CBT, or cognitive behavorial therapy (http://www.uh.edu/anxiety/cbt.htm).  this type of therapy has been shown to be one of the best courses of treatment for anxiety disorders.  there are 3 parts to CBT:

1. Education
   • working to understand why i am having these thought processes, how CBT will help me, and getting support
2. Thought Challenging
   1. The first step involves identifying these danger thoughts that flash into the mind. Psychologists call these “automatic thoughts” because they seem to come to mind immediately when a person encounters something he or she fears. One good strategy is to immediately ask oneself “what was I thinking?” as soon as you notice your anxiety increase.
   2. Once someone becomes good at identifying their automatic thoughts, we then focus on trying to teach them to challenge the logic of that thought through a variety of methods. Most commonly we have clients ask themselves various questions designed to challenge the accuracy of a thought.
   3. Finally, when the inaccurate thought has been broken apart and shown to be inaccurate, we replace it with a thought that is a more accurate reflection of the actual amount of danger, if any.
3. Exposure and Thought Prevention
   1. First, much of what we learn in life comes from things being paired together, such as public speaking and having people laugh at you or seeing a dog and getting bitten. Much of what we unlearn, on the other hand, comes from un-pairing two things. With anxiety disorders, this means un-pairing the fear trigger (e.g., public speaking) from the expected outcome (people laughing).
   2. The second way that exposure works is through habituation. The more often we are exposed to something, be it good, bad, or otherwise, the less of an emotional reaction we will have. We get used to things; that’s just human nature.
   3. Finally, exposure works by giving the people new correct information about the things they thought were threatening. This is the “A-hah... it wasn’t as dangerous as I expected” principle.

it's the third step i feel like i will have trouble with since my anxiety isn't really triggered by anything specific, just stressful situations in general.  because i work 8:30-5 mon thru fri and don't really have the extra money, i'll be working on this alone for the time being.  i might see if i can get in with the mental health counseling my school offers, but i don't know if they could accomodate my work schedule and it's really only offered as short-term counseling with referrals to mental health professionals outside of the school.

blah.  i just want to be happy.   

Comments

[nebulosity]

I finally had a few minutes to really give this post 100% of my attention, and I'm just in awe because 1) I felt like I was reading about my own experiences and 2) I'm just so excited that you're sort of outlining this in a way that would put yourself in the right direction towards working on these things.

I think I've developed these things as a result of some of the ADHD symptoms I have. I'm experiencing a lot of it today. I used to experience so many disappointments. As a result, I used to use the philosophy "expect the worse, and even if it's a little better than worse, then I'll be happy," as sort of a coping mechanism not to let myself become overly disappointed. What i realized was that this was a very dangerous mindset. I was focusing on the negative, and when I did (and do) so, I realized that it often becomes my reality. The modified version of this is that I now strive to have is, "expect that I'll do my best, and whatever outcome there is, is acceptable." That's much more positive and has worked for me quite a bit.

Fortune telling, ah yes. Wil hates it when I do that. I don't do it as much anymore, but I'm always expecting that people are out to get us and that we're always doomed, lol. I realized this is a very unhealthy mindset. Instead, I'm working on developing an "unknown" mindset. What I mean is, if it's in the future and it's uncertain and out of my circle of influence, then I just wait to see what happens patiently rather than predicting that the worse will happen. :\

Mind reading? YESSS. I do this too. I always try to predict what Wil is thinking. I'll say to him, "You think I'm annoying, don't you?" Or lately, I've been trying to predict what my advisor is thinking: "Jim thinks I'm useless and is going to fire me at the end of the year." Yes, I went through that phase. I realized that it's unproductive to try to predict how Jim feels. Rather, I should take that energy and try to keep working hard. I know I'm working hard. Even if Jim did think I was useless, clearly no amount of work I do is going to satisfy him. That's when my philosophy "I believe everything happens for a reason" comes in. It's my way of accepting the curve balls that life throws at you. I believe that around the corner of every downfall there is something even better waiting. And I am convinced of this. I don't pretend to believe it. I know it for a fact. :)

Anyway, that's all I can comment on right now. I just wanted to say that besides wanting to encourage you to work on these things, I often experience them for myself. I'm in the same boat. <3